I often spent a lot of time thinking about Sara. She was an important part of my life. She was the one person who made me feel like I was actually worth someone. She was the one person who made me feel. She was the one person who I felt no shame in caring about. She deserved emotion.
Sara once told me that she can not lie. And so I spent a lot of time thinking about everything thing that she had said to me. Did that mean that she cared? That she thought of me as a friend? That she thought that I was wonderful?
If that was true, then maybe I am special, simply because I am me?
I kept thinking about it. I kept hoping that it was true. But at the same time, that was so much to come to terms with, I wasn't sure I could cope if that was true...
Oh, how scared I was...nowaday, I can accept that, because I love her...more than she will ever know. I care about her so much that it hurts. So much more than I ever thought was possible. She is my surrogate mother. And I LOVE HER...
And I know she cares about me. And I am proud to be her friend. It took me a long time to accept that she cares, but I have. And you just need to have a bit of faith, a bit of courage, and you will learn that not everyone out there is going to hurt you.
Kat xxx
He made me think about the way my mind works. But the strange thing was that Mike, the guy I saw that first time, agreed with everything I was doing. Even shutting out my family. It was, he said, my way of coping. I was glad that someone out there actually understood that...
The counseling session made me think about what need means...because I said often said to Sara that I need her. So when I got home I looked up what need means...and I thought about our relationship and decided that yes, I did need her. But that was okay. Because it is okay to need people in your life. Many of us need family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, finance's, wives, husbands, and there is nothing wrong with that. Though you may have been abused that doesn't mean that you don't have normal human emotions.
Anyway, the counselor was nice. I didn't know when I was going back, but I kinda hoped that it would be soon, because I fed up of not being 'better'. Not that a person can be better that soon afterwards, I know that now.
But my one bummer was that Mum had top be present. I just hoped that it was one off thing. (It was).
I was asked to describe myself, and I couldn't do it. I just can't. Still can't. How can I describe someone I don't really know. All I can say is that I am me. How do I describe that? If Mum wasn't there I know what I would have said. But I couldn't say that in front of her. It would upset her.
But anyway, we all have to find ourselves, and for some it takes longer than others, but don't worry, we all get there. For us its harder, because so much is changing, and we have to try and adjust the best we can. But hey, we are survivors right?
I tried to be happy really I did.
But my Dad Dick text me first thing in the morning, and I was so shocked I simply didn't know how to act.
But though I didn't really want a birthday, the day was alright actually. A lot better than I thought for. I went and saw a movie, which wasn't
25th of July...the day before I turn 15. And I was dreading it.
I had plans to go out with friends...but even so I knew that I would have to be happy...and I simply didn't feel like that...and I was fed up of trying to be someone I was not.
But I will have to try, and I will have to survive, and I will cope. At least thats what I tell myself.
I was hurting still, but trying not to show it. I had to be strong, and I had to cope, for my families sake.
I couldn't see a way forward though. Sara always told me to use people, because thats why they were there, to help me, and I needed to use that help.
So I got through that day. And woke up to my 15th birthday...
School holidays meant that there was no escaping my family. It meant that I couldn't spend 6/7 hours away from my family every single day. I was caught. Boxed in with no way out.
And it also meant that I saw a hell of a lot of my family. Which really wasn't something I wasn't. Nor could I cope with it. I dreaded days out. I dreaded seeing my family. I dreaded each day I had to spend with them. Why? Well I can't really explain that. But that was how I felt.
On the last day of school, the 23rd of July 2010 I made a promise to Sara and Eliza to go and see Eliza over the holidays as she only lives 5 minutes walk away. On that last day of school I figured that I would. But I never did. I broke that promise. And that was the start of a very complicated relationship between me and Eliza.
Eliza is a lovely person. But she knew me too well almost. She told me the truth pretty damn straight. And it wasn't always what I wanted to hear. She made me feel stupid, and kinda insignificant.
So I never went and saw her. Simply because I felt I couldn't. But also because I saw scared of what she would tell me. I was hiding from the truth. But that wasn't possible with her.
Breaking up from school meant that I wouldn't see Sara for six weeks. And that was something that I wasn't looking forward to. Since my discloser in March Sara had kept me going. She was why I had coped. She was literally my everything. And knowing that I wouldn't see her meant that my coping system would be, well, non existent. So how was I going to survive?
Sara was my friend. She had already invited herself to my wedding. Which well, I haven't even got a boyfriend.
I would really miss her, and her advice, and her caring personality.
But there was light at the end of the tunnel, when we got back in September she was going to be my mentor, which meant that I would see her every week. I knew that we wouldn't be discussing anything school related. But I didn't need a mentor to help me with school, I needed a mentor to help me personally, which I knew she would.
Yet as the end of term drew nearer I did feel happier. Which was strange, I thought it would be the other way around. But I didn't really question it. Just went with the flow. I knew now that I wouldn't have to wait that long for counseling.
I was expecting to bomb at first. As everyone told me I would. But I figured that I couldn't get any lower.
The end of school was going to be difficult though. School was my escape. Home was terrible. I felt like I was continually walking on egg shells. Everyone was so on edge. I never knew where I stood. Mum really wasn't coping. It was so hard on her. I did try. But I was only 14. I couldn't help her like she needed help.
Some days you feel like you can't cope. You feel like you can't go on. You feel you will never reach the other side. But just look around you. If you can't do it for you, do it for everyone you care about. I did it for Sara and Mum. They gave me hope and strength. And I thank God every day for them.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE: You family, as hard a time as they may give you. They only do it because they love you. And they are hurting because you got hurt. So relax, give them a break. Don't argue with them, accept what they are saying, even if you disagree with it, because it will make things slightly easier for you. They will want to limit your freedom, and though you may hate it, stick with it, after a while they will let you go again. For months my Mum took me everywhere with her, I hated it, but it was best in the long run, because then we became closer and she learnt to trust me.
NEVER GIVE UP
Kat xx
Mum And Tim. Olivia And Roland.
Where did I fit in? I didn't know. There didn't seem like there was room for me. I was the outsider. I was alone.
I didn't feel wanted, or needed. Or even liked sometimes. I just felt alone. The burden was my to carry. There was no one to help me with the guilt I felt. I was just alone. All by myself. Which was what I had wanted once. But not now. I felt needed to be needed. But I wasn't.
And that was made clear to me so many times.
I simply didn't fit it. And so I never tried to make myself a part of the family. I felt pushed away. And so I pulled myself away. And made things worse for myself.
So try. Talk to people. Tell them how you feel. And never give up. Don't shut yourself off. No matter how hard it is you have to keep going. Don't be ashamed if you can't do everything by yourself. If you can't tell your family what you are feeling. Then write them a letter. Do something. Don't separate yourself from them.
Kat x
There were good weeks, and bad weeks. There were good days, and bad days. There were good hours of the day, and bad hours of the day. And the 19th of July was one of those bad days, with many bad hours. Especially the hour that I spent crying. I didn't even attend the last lesson of the day I was that upset. And all I thought about was why couldn't I cope! A question which is no longer relevant. I had already asked for counseling at this point and had just been told when my first session would be. The 27th, which was the day after my 15th birthday. And that was one thing that I was truly dreading. My birthday. What was the point? I wasn't happy. And as far as I could see there was nothing worth celebrating. Sara was the one good thing that had come of my discloser as far as I was concerned. She came into my life that day. And if I hadn't of disclosed I would never have known her. She was the one person who I could fully open up to.
Sara was kind. Sara was always considerate. Sara cared. Sara was always there, she gave up so much of her time to help me. Why? Because she cared. Not that I saw that to begin with. It took time. But I did realize that, eventually.
Sara gave up 3 hours that day to stay with me. And since that day, God knows how much time she has spent with me. Listening to me. Helping me. Making me feel better. Yea, she is the good that has come of this.
I knew that whenever I had a bad day she would be there. Someone to run to, who understood me.
I cared for her alot. I still do care alot. More now than ever. Sara isn't just a teacher, she is a friend, and also she is my surrogate mother. And I guess my Guardian Angel. If you are into that sort of thing.
She doesn't realize just how much I care for her. I have tried to tell her, many times. But there simply aren't enough words in the English language for me to tell her. Though, here and now I will freely admit that I love her.
Sara is incredible and I feel so lucky to have met her.
I was changing in those first few months after my discloser. And I have continued to change. Changing is part of growing up. But I was not ready to accept anymore change. I had dealt with enough and now to find that I was become someone very different was difficult to deal with.
And that was something that I did speak to Susanna about. How I was changing, but I felt that my Mum didn't want me to change, she wanted the 'old me' back, but I didn't want to be that person. Nor though did I want to change. It was way to complicated.
Life was complicated. Full of twists and turns, and you never know were you are going. But just relax and enjoy the ride.
Allow yourself to become the person you are meant to be. And it may take time, but you will actually learn to like that person.
Kat xx
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