I dont speak about this ever. And by ever I do mean ever. No one but me and Sara know that this ever happened. And that was the way it was going to stay. But I feel like now is the right time to tell you this story. And if it wasn't for me knowing that this actually happened; I would believe it to be a story because it doesn't seem possible that I actually did this, felt like this. And wanted to do this. 

I guess it must have been late June, early July 2010. I know it was before we broke up for the summer break. 

I wanted to commit suicide. I was sure I was going to do it. I just didn't know how. 

I told Sara that I wanted to die one day. And so she demanded that I speak to her the next day and explain why. God knows what she was thinking or feeling. I must have worried her sick with some of the stuff I told her. 

Anyway I went to her first thing the next morning, and she gave me a note to explain why I wouldnt be in my PE class later that day. I remember I sat in the ICT suite with her and told her that I had to die because I was hurting too much and was hurting other people because I couldnt cope. I dont know what she said to me or what else happened. But whatever she said in that room changed me. I no longer wanted to die. She made me see I was more than just the pain I was feeling. She told me that she would miss me if I died, that she would hurt, and I would hurt those around me far me. 

She changed my view, and since that moment I never thought about dying again. I was going to live. And more importantly I was going to survive to show her that I am worth it. 

It reached 7 Months, and I realized that it actually felt years. I spent a lot of time thinking about HIM, and suddenly I knew that since he had been gone I hadn't felt actual fear. I was no longer living in fear. I was no longer constantly SCARED! His presence no longer haunted my every waking moment. He was gone from my life. GONE! I did my upmost to shut him away, knowing that without him in my thoughts he had no power of me anymore. 

I still wasn't sure how to cope with day to day life, but I was getting there slowly. I was moving on. 

I changed. I had become a lot stronger person. And was far more determined. Determined to make something out of my life. To be someone. 

So this I wrote about six months or so after I disclosed, when I was on a really low point...and I thought I should post it because it is so full of emotion. When I wrote it I cried, and did the first dozen or so time I read it afterwards. Now I don't. I have moved on...in a way. 


I woke in fear, 
I slept in fear, 
In fear of you
And what you could do to me, 
You scared me, 
Yet I had no choice but to love you, 
And there was nothing 
That I could do 
To stop the things you did, 
The way you made me feel
Sacred me for life, 
May I ask way did you
Do this to me?

I never though I was
Good enough
You really hurt me
And yet you still
Never stopped even 
When I cried out no

Is this normal?
Is this what I deserve? 
What is so wrong with me
That I can't cope with this? 

I never felt anything but fear
I couldn't help but imagine
A better life
One without you
But everywhere I turned
There you were
I couldn't escape
I wasn't free
I had no idea who I was
And never ever will

Do you know my opinion of me??
Do you??
(I am not going to write the actual next line...not ready for that yet)
And it is because of you
And what you did that
I feel this way
I can't live like this much longer

Let me go I say
But you still hang on
And I get more alone
Thinking everyday that I must be 
A horrible person for you
To treat me the way you did

The nights were the worst
When there was no where to go
And the fear crept up 
Emotion was a thing I never knew
You ruled my life

I sometimes wonder what if
But I can't stand where my thoughts go
Because of you I can't trust
I can't feel anything but hurt
And it is so deep inside I don't 
Know how to heal it

You seemed to play so many 
Mind games with me
And I couldn't tell you when 
You started this
How young was I when you started?
Was I 9, 8 or even 7?
Or did you start younger?
6 maybe? 5? Please say no
I don't want to go lower
I'm too scared

Don't you see how wrong that is?
Can't you see what you have done?
Just how much you have killed me?
Sometimes I wanted to die
I wanted to hurt me
Just so I can feel something real
Something that isn't caused by you
Sometimes I want an emotion
An emotion that I understand

What did I do to cause you
To do this to me?
Is this my fault?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why am I sorry? 
Why can't I cope?
Just why am I this way?

Will you let me go now?
I need something to live for
I need you gone
But everywhere I turn there you are
Staring me in the face
Refusing to let me go
And just when I think the wound 
Is healed you open it again
And the hurt pours back in
I thought I had you locked away
In a box, at the back of my mind

I was never going to let you out
The key was thrown away
But of its own accord the fear
Returns and slowly so do you
Until I just can't cope
So here I am in need of a hug
And someone to tell me it will be okay
But really want I need now is 
A different life
Please let me go Daddy
I just can't cope

Verbal abuse is still abuse. Mental Abuse is still abuse. Emotional abuse is still abuse. Just because it is not visible doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just as much. 

Emotional abuse changed me in ways I can't describe. All I knew was how to be depressed. I was afraid to be myself. I was afraid of who I really was. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid to let people close to be, for fear that they might hurt me, like he did. I was afraid so much. But it was a different type of fear. Fear of the unknown, instead of fear of Him.