I wished that I could walk away from my life, walk away from my family, walk away from my pain, walk away from my memories. I wished that I could leave everything behind, and never come back. I wished I never had to see anyone, or anything associated with my life again. Yes, there would be people and things that I would miss, but it would be worth it for the new start that would come with it. Yea, I would be heaven. But that wasn't possible, however much I may have hoped for it. 

But I wasn't really thinking straight at the time, I was simply consumed with hate...consumed with fear, and unspoken feelings. I was trapped, in chains, and hating every second of it. 

One day, I told myself, I will walk out of this house that is no longer home, and never return. I won't, I told myself, see any of these people again, I won't speak to them again. They aren't my family. They haven't been for a long time. Or so I told myself. Reading this makes my really upset, because I can't imagine hating them like this, I can't imagine leaving them, or my home. It does make me cry. But thats how I felt, so thats why I'm saying this. 

I was so alone. I didn't feel like I had a family, I didn't feel like I had a life. But what little of a life I did have I didn't want to share. 

So I fought, I had a dream, and I was trying so hard to make it come true. I was sure that I was going to be a surgeon. (I don't think so, that dream died a long time ago! It was never going to happen. Not clever enough!) 

But I held on...

Kat x

There was a point were I did consider it. When I did think that I would be better off dead. Where I thought that no one would really notice if I died. Where I thought that no one cared so I might as well die and save myself the pain of living. Thank God I had people there to talk sense into me! It wasn't my Mum though, she never knew that I was that bad. She never knew that I felt like dying sometimes. 

I guess I never seriously considered it, because surely if I really wanted to die I would have just killed myself right? But anyway, I told Sara that I felt like dying, and well she just told me not to, and after an hour long talk I left the room and never considered killing myself again. She told me that I wouldn't be better off dead, that I had so much to live for. That she would notice, and care if I died, as would my family, she told me to consider my Mum's feelings. And so I knew that I couldn't kill myself. 

Because as bad as it was for me, surely it would be worse for those around me, knowing that I didn't feel that they were enough, knowing that they should have helped me. So I didn't die, because I didn't want them to  hurt. And that is what you have to consider right? Because you are not the only one hurting, yes, you may be hurting the most. But those around you will be hurting so badly if you die, probably hurting more than you did. 

So take a moment, and consider the bigger picture. And don't do it.