Strange concept I guess, but that is what I had to do. I had to learn to love life again. And I can't say I was totally successful, because that would be lying. And I don't want to do that. There are still parts of my life that I don't love. And there are parts of my life that I don't particularly like. But isn't that the way with everyone. I didn't wish to love my whole life. I just needed to accept my life. And that was harder done than said believe me. How can you accept the fact that I had been abused by my own Dad? I didn't know. And it was not like anyone could tell me...

But deep down I knew it was something I had to do if I was to move on. 

I had to find a way of not only accepting my past, but learning to live in the present. 

It was hard, and it did take time, but eventually I found a way to let my Father go. 

It was like having a box, and packing all the bad memories inside, and then sealing it, putting on a really high shelf, and only ever taking it down to add others in. Others that for whatever reason I did not want to remember. 

I remember sitting on my bed on night, it was late and my room was pitch black, there was just this tiny gap in my curtains, and I looked out into the night, and did this. I put all the memories of my Father in this cardboard box and put them away, because I didn't want to remember them, or him. 


I wanted him gone...out of my life. And I never, ever wanted to see him again for as long as I live. 

Kat x

Of course I can, anyone can given time. You can adjust to anything. 

I proved to myself that holiday that I could cope, that I didn't need to cry every five minutes. 

I stopped feeling like I should give up. I realized that after fighting for so long it wasn't worth it. I had come so far that I might as well go the rest of the way. 

I had got somewhere, and I wasn't going back. 

I felt more in control of me, and of my life. 

I no longer felt like I needed someone to hold my hand. I felt my own person. I felt stronger. I felt able to COPE. 

I wished that I could walk away from my life, walk away from my family, walk away from my pain, walk away from my memories. I wished that I could leave everything behind, and never come back. I wished I never had to see anyone, or anything associated with my life again. Yes, there would be people and things that I would miss, but it would be worth it for the new start that would come with it. Yea, I would be heaven. But that wasn't possible, however much I may have hoped for it. 

But I wasn't really thinking straight at the time, I was simply consumed with hate...consumed with fear, and unspoken feelings. I was trapped, in chains, and hating every second of it. 

One day, I told myself, I will walk out of this house that is no longer home, and never return. I won't, I told myself, see any of these people again, I won't speak to them again. They aren't my family. They haven't been for a long time. Or so I told myself. Reading this makes my really upset, because I can't imagine hating them like this, I can't imagine leaving them, or my home. It does make me cry. But thats how I felt, so thats why I'm saying this. 

I was so alone. I didn't feel like I had a family, I didn't feel like I had a life. But what little of a life I did have I didn't want to share. 

So I fought, I had a dream, and I was trying so hard to make it come true. I was sure that I was going to be a surgeon. (I don't think so, that dream died a long time ago! It was never going to happen. Not clever enough!) 

But I held on...

Kat x

It was August then. And I was up the city with my cousin, Helena, and my best friend, Shanie. I bought quite a lot of stuff, which for me, was a miracle, well back then it was. Not now!! How people change! 

Well anyway, I mentioned the fact that my Father had taken my birthday present to the solicitors, just before my actual birthday. I didn't know whether I should have got it or not. Anyway, all my mates thought that I should. But I just wasn't sure. And so Shanie, and Helena kept telling me I should, and to be honest I was really curious. 

Yea, and so we rang up my Mum, and though my connection was bad, and I couldn't really hear, I knew that she didn't want me to go, but anyway we couldn't, because we would have needed an appointment. 

The second I came off the phone I knew that I shouldn't have done it. That she would be upset, that I should have spoken to her about it. 

Yet, when I came home, not a word was mentioned, no argument, no nothing. I was on tender kooks for days. But nothing was EVER said. 

But all things pass, and over two years later, I don't really think about that day anymore. 

Nor do I think about my Father much now. Simply because I can't feel anything for him. Why should I waste emotions on a man like that? But it wasn't always like that...I wasn't always indifferent to the sexual abuse. I wasn't always able to cope...

Kat xx

We were 5 months down the line...5 months since I had disclosed...5 months since I had last seen my father...5 months since I had last seen my abuser...5 months since I had lived in constant fear...5 months since my world had been turned upside down...

It was weird really...I no longer thought about him...it was like I had packed him into a box and didn't think about him unless I had to. There were no unwanted memories...no unwanted thoughts...no flashbacks...no sleepless nights...there was nothing there...he was gone from my life, from my head, from my memories...he didn't exist in my life. 

I was numb...I wasn't thinking, feeling or anything...I was like a robot...and I didn't care....

But you should care...I should have tried. I just wanted the pain to disappear so I let myself become numb. Which was the worst thing I could have done. Not feeling meant that there was no happiness..no joy, no excitement. There was nothing there. I stopped hoping, I didn't see past that day. I was barely living. All I wished for was for everything to end...everything to stop, because I couldn't cope. I needed so much more time than I actually had. 

So shut the memories away, shut all the bad into a box, but keep the pain, because as hard as it is, it keeps you alive. And believe me, dying is not something you want to do. Because that just hurts you, and those around you all the more. 

Kat xx

Breaking up from school meant that I wouldn't see Sara for six weeks. And that was something that I wasn't looking forward to. Since my discloser in March Sara had kept me going. She was why I had coped. She was literally my everything. And knowing that I wouldn't see her meant that my coping system would be, well, non existent. So how was I going to survive? 

Sara was my friend. She had already invited herself to my wedding. Which well, I haven't even got a boyfriend. 

I would really miss her, and her advice, and her caring personality. 

But there was light at the end of the tunnel, when we got back in September she was going to be my mentor, which meant that I would see her every week. I knew that we wouldn't be discussing anything school related. But I didn't need a mentor to help me with school, I needed a mentor to help me personally, which I knew she would. 

Yet as the end of term drew nearer I did feel happier. Which was strange, I thought it would be the other way around. But I didn't really question it. Just went with the flow. I knew now that I wouldn't have to wait that long for counseling. 

I was expecting to bomb at first. As everyone told me I would. But I figured that I couldn't get any lower. 

The end of school was going to be difficult though. School was my escape. Home was terrible. I felt like I was continually walking on egg shells. Everyone was so on edge. I never knew where I stood. Mum really wasn't coping. It was so hard on her. I did try. But I was only 14. I couldn't help her like she needed help. 

Some days you feel like you can't cope. You feel like you can't go on. You feel you will never reach the other side. But just look around you. If you can't do it for you, do it for everyone you care about. I did it for Sara and Mum. They gave me hope and strength. And I thank God every day for them. 


IMPORTANT MESSAGE: You family, as hard a time as they may give you. They only do it because they love you. And they are hurting because you got hurt. So relax, give them a break. Don't argue with them, accept what they are saying, even if you disagree with it, because it will make things slightly easier for you. They will want to limit your freedom, and though you may hate it, stick with it, after a while they will let you go again. For months my Mum took me everywhere with her, I hated it, but it was best in the long run, because then we became closer and she learnt to trust me. 

NEVER GIVE UP

Kat xx