I wished that I could walk away from my life, walk away from my family, walk away from my pain, walk away from my memories. I wished that I could leave everything behind, and never come back. I wished I never had to see anyone, or anything associated with my life again. Yes, there would be people and things that I would miss, but it would be worth it for the new start that would come with it. Yea, I would be heaven. But that wasn't possible, however much I may have hoped for it. 

But I wasn't really thinking straight at the time, I was simply consumed with hate...consumed with fear, and unspoken feelings. I was trapped, in chains, and hating every second of it. 

One day, I told myself, I will walk out of this house that is no longer home, and never return. I won't, I told myself, see any of these people again, I won't speak to them again. They aren't my family. They haven't been for a long time. Or so I told myself. Reading this makes my really upset, because I can't imagine hating them like this, I can't imagine leaving them, or my home. It does make me cry. But thats how I felt, so thats why I'm saying this. 

I was so alone. I didn't feel like I had a family, I didn't feel like I had a life. But what little of a life I did have I didn't want to share. 

So I fought, I had a dream, and I was trying so hard to make it come true. I was sure that I was going to be a surgeon. (I don't think so, that dream died a long time ago! It was never going to happen. Not clever enough!) 

But I held on...

Kat x

It was August then. And I was up the city with my cousin, Helena, and my best friend, Shanie. I bought quite a lot of stuff, which for me, was a miracle, well back then it was. Not now!! How people change! 

Well anyway, I mentioned the fact that my Father had taken my birthday present to the solicitors, just before my actual birthday. I didn't know whether I should have got it or not. Anyway, all my mates thought that I should. But I just wasn't sure. And so Shanie, and Helena kept telling me I should, and to be honest I was really curious. 

Yea, and so we rang up my Mum, and though my connection was bad, and I couldn't really hear, I knew that she didn't want me to go, but anyway we couldn't, because we would have needed an appointment. 

The second I came off the phone I knew that I shouldn't have done it. That she would be upset, that I should have spoken to her about it. 

Yet, when I came home, not a word was mentioned, no argument, no nothing. I was on tender kooks for days. But nothing was EVER said. 

But all things pass, and over two years later, I don't really think about that day anymore. 

Nor do I think about my Father much now. Simply because I can't feel anything for him. Why should I waste emotions on a man like that? But it wasn't always like that...I wasn't always indifferent to the sexual abuse. I wasn't always able to cope...

Kat xx

I wanted things to go back to how they were. What the heck was I thinking! Why did I want things to return to how they were before? Because that was the only life I knew, and the life that was awaiting me was too scary for me to cope with. I was looking back and only seeing the good. I ignored the days of fear, the sudden rush of fear hearing HIS key turn in the lock. I was ignoring the moments of feeling so unimportant. I was ignoring everything that had made me break down and cry that day. I was ignoring the feeling of not belonging. 

I thought that life was simpler back then. But really it wasn't. At least then I didn't have to cope with emotions I thought. No, I didn't. Because I was so numb, I barely felt anything but fear. 

Anyway, I had to take things one day at a time. And keep moving forwards, and try to stop looking back and longing for a life that can no longer exist. I was never sure of facing the morning, of what was to come, the unknown scared me a little, or maybe it was a lot. 

But the future was all I had. 

So tomorrow became today, and I had to face whatever it was going to throw at me. Uncertainty was something I couldn't really cope with, but it was something I had to. 


No matter how hard it is, remember that you can't change the past. That what happened wasn't your fault. Concentrate on the future, and take chances, grab on to it with both hands and pull yourself towards the better life that awaits you. Looking back is going to bring you nothing. What lies behind you is full of pain and hurt. The future is what you have the power to do something with. No one can help you as much as you can help yourself. 

I didn't know how to do it anymore. It was so difficult. I thought the only way to cope was to bottle it up. To keep it in. So that it wouldn't spill out, and I wouldn't say something, do something, and then regret it later. In those early days I made a lot of mistakes, said things, and did things, without thinking about it. And then I would regret it. I kinda developed into a habit of doing that.

My main concern was what people thought me, I was truly self conscious, and very wrapped up in this need to be loved. There were days when I felt fine, then the next moment I was truly confused about where I stood with people. I was so conflicted. I had no idea who I could trust. I didn't know who actually meant what they were saying. And more importantly I didn't know to run to when things got difficult. 

What should I do? That was the question I needed answered. But I knew that I couldn't carry on being okay. It was simply too much. 

In those days at the beginning I had no self esteem. But I never had. I had been that way for so long I knew no other way to be. I was depressed. And I didn't know what it was like to be 'undepressed'.  

Yet you have to keep going. Giving up is harder, because your whole body wants to keep fighting. And so you have to fight. If not for yourself, for everyone else around you. You have to keep going for them. Because they care about you. They wouldn't be there otherwise.