On the 25th of August 2010 my Father text me, at twenty past ten, saying 'Good school report. Best ever Katty. Well done. Love always'.
My response; Shove off bastard. Like I want your love. You can put that where the sun don't shine.
I really wished he would just leave me alone. I no longer want him in my life. I don't hate him. He is not worth my hatred. But how can I move on with my life, if just when I am moving on, he comes along and opens old wounds again.
But I will survive.
They were falling apart, and I didn't know what to do. They couldn't speak to each other, well, not about IT. My Mum and Brother were tearing each other apart. And they hurt the other quite considerably sometimes. With one or other crying at the end of it. They argued over everything, and I do mean everything. Admittedly, things aren't great now, they still argue a lot. But well, that my brother really, a typical teenager. I just had to stand there and watch. Watch helplessly. Seeing how what HE had done was tearing us apart.
But there was one good thing that month, (August 2010) was that my Mum thought I was improving. She thought I was on a 'more even keel'. But my personal opinion was that the only thing I was improving were my acting skills!!
I did hide a lot from my family, and from some of my friends. Shut myself off because I didn't want to hear the truth, or know how to feel. I preferred the nothingness of being numb, I was protected from the pain of knowing. And that way I survived.
It would be a while before I learnt to open up. Before I learnt what being me really meant.
Yet I knew one day I would meet Katerina Matthews, I wasn't sure when, but I knew it wouldn't be until I was ready to.
I wished that I could walk away from my life, walk away from my family, walk away from my pain, walk away from my memories. I wished that I could leave everything behind, and never come back. I wished I never had to see anyone, or anything associated with my life again. Yes, there would be people and things that I would miss, but it would be worth it for the new start that would come with it. Yea, I would be heaven. But that wasn't possible, however much I may have hoped for it.
But I wasn't really thinking straight at the time, I was simply consumed with hate...consumed with fear, and unspoken feelings. I was trapped, in chains, and hating every second of it.
One day, I told myself, I will walk out of this house that is no longer home, and never return. I won't, I told myself, see any of these people again, I won't speak to them again. They aren't my family. They haven't been for a long time. Or so I told myself. Reading this makes my really upset, because I can't imagine hating them like this, I can't imagine leaving them, or my home. It does make me cry. But thats how I felt, so thats why I'm saying this.
I was so alone. I didn't feel like I had a family, I didn't feel like I had a life. But what little of a life I did have I didn't want to share.
So I fought, I had a dream, and I was trying so hard to make it come true. I was sure that I was going to be a surgeon. (I don't think so, that dream died a long time ago! It was never going to happen. Not clever enough!)
But I held on...
Kat x
We were 5 months down the line...5 months since I had disclosed...5 months since I had last seen my father...5 months since I had last seen my abuser...5 months since I had lived in constant fear...5 months since my world had been turned upside down...
It was weird really...I no longer thought about him...it was like I had packed him into a box and didn't think about him unless I had to. There were no unwanted memories...no unwanted thoughts...no flashbacks...no sleepless nights...there was nothing there...he was gone from my life, from my head, from my memories...he didn't exist in my life.
I was numb...I wasn't thinking, feeling or anything...I was like a robot...and I didn't care....
But you should care...I should have tried. I just wanted the pain to disappear so I let myself become numb. Which was the worst thing I could have done. Not feeling meant that there was no happiness..no joy, no excitement. There was nothing there. I stopped hoping, I didn't see past that day. I was barely living. All I wished for was for everything to end...everything to stop, because I couldn't cope. I needed so much more time than I actually had.
So shut the memories away, shut all the bad into a box, but keep the pain, because as hard as it is, it keeps you alive. And believe me, dying is not something you want to do. Because that just hurts you, and those around you all the more.
Kat xx
Breaking up from school meant that I wouldn't see Sara for six weeks. And that was something that I wasn't looking forward to. Since my discloser in March Sara had kept me going. She was why I had coped. She was literally my everything. And knowing that I wouldn't see her meant that my coping system would be, well, non existent. So how was I going to survive?
Sara was my friend. She had already invited herself to my wedding. Which well, I haven't even got a boyfriend.
I would really miss her, and her advice, and her caring personality.
But there was light at the end of the tunnel, when we got back in September she was going to be my mentor, which meant that I would see her every week. I knew that we wouldn't be discussing anything school related. But I didn't need a mentor to help me with school, I needed a mentor to help me personally, which I knew she would.
Yet as the end of term drew nearer I did feel happier. Which was strange, I thought it would be the other way around. But I didn't really question it. Just went with the flow. I knew now that I wouldn't have to wait that long for counseling.
I was expecting to bomb at first. As everyone told me I would. But I figured that I couldn't get any lower.
The end of school was going to be difficult though. School was my escape. Home was terrible. I felt like I was continually walking on egg shells. Everyone was so on edge. I never knew where I stood. Mum really wasn't coping. It was so hard on her. I did try. But I was only 14. I couldn't help her like she needed help.
Some days you feel like you can't cope. You feel like you can't go on. You feel you will never reach the other side. But just look around you. If you can't do it for you, do it for everyone you care about. I did it for Sara and Mum. They gave me hope and strength. And I thank God every day for them.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE: You family, as hard a time as they may give you. They only do it because they love you. And they are hurting because you got hurt. So relax, give them a break. Don't argue with them, accept what they are saying, even if you disagree with it, because it will make things slightly easier for you. They will want to limit your freedom, and though you may hate it, stick with it, after a while they will let you go again. For months my Mum took me everywhere with her, I hated it, but it was best in the long run, because then we became closer and she learnt to trust me.
NEVER GIVE UP
Kat xx
There were good weeks, and bad weeks. There were good days, and bad days. There were good hours of the day, and bad hours of the day. And the 19th of July was one of those bad days, with many bad hours. Especially the hour that I spent crying. I didn't even attend the last lesson of the day I was that upset. And all I thought about was why couldn't I cope! A question which is no longer relevant. I had already asked for counseling at this point and had just been told when my first session would be. The 27th, which was the day after my 15th birthday. And that was one thing that I was truly dreading. My birthday. What was the point? I wasn't happy. And as far as I could see there was nothing worth celebrating. Sara was the one good thing that had come of my discloser as far as I was concerned. She came into my life that day. And if I hadn't of disclosed I would never have known her. She was the one person who I could fully open up to.
Sara was kind. Sara was always considerate. Sara cared. Sara was always there, she gave up so much of her time to help me. Why? Because she cared. Not that I saw that to begin with. It took time. But I did realize that, eventually.
Sara gave up 3 hours that day to stay with me. And since that day, God knows how much time she has spent with me. Listening to me. Helping me. Making me feel better. Yea, she is the good that has come of this.
I knew that whenever I had a bad day she would be there. Someone to run to, who understood me.
I cared for her alot. I still do care alot. More now than ever. Sara isn't just a teacher, she is a friend, and also she is my surrogate mother. And I guess my Guardian Angel. If you are into that sort of thing.
She doesn't realize just how much I care for her. I have tried to tell her, many times. But there simply aren't enough words in the English language for me to tell her. Though, here and now I will freely admit that I love her.
Sara is incredible and I feel so lucky to have met her.
I wanted things to go back to how they were. What the heck was I thinking! Why did I want things to return to how they were before? Because that was the only life I knew, and the life that was awaiting me was too scary for me to cope with. I was looking back and only seeing the good. I ignored the days of fear, the sudden rush of fear hearing HIS key turn in the lock. I was ignoring the moments of feeling so unimportant. I was ignoring everything that had made me break down and cry that day. I was ignoring the feeling of not belonging.
I thought that life was simpler back then. But really it wasn't. At least then I didn't have to cope with emotions I thought. No, I didn't. Because I was so numb, I barely felt anything but fear.
Anyway, I had to take things one day at a time. And keep moving forwards, and try to stop looking back and longing for a life that can no longer exist. I was never sure of facing the morning, of what was to come, the unknown scared me a little, or maybe it was a lot.
But the future was all I had.
So tomorrow became today, and I had to face whatever it was going to throw at me. Uncertainty was something I couldn't really cope with, but it was something I had to.
No matter how hard it is, remember that you can't change the past. That what happened wasn't your fault. Concentrate on the future, and take chances, grab on to it with both hands and pull yourself towards the better life that awaits you. Looking back is going to bring you nothing. What lies behind you is full of pain and hurt. The future is what you have the power to do something with. No one can help you as much as you can help yourself.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I just never knew how to talk about anything. There was a time when I couldn't talk about even the most simplest of things. In the few months immediately following the disclosure I couldn't talk to my Mum, not really. I didn't know why, and I still don't. I was suffering from severe dissociation, and my Mum got the brunt of it.
I was afraid that if I talked to her, the hurt would come flooding out. It was almost like walking on a type rope across a river, and one single slip and I was gone, drowning in emotions that I couldn't understand.
I didn't know who I was, I was struggling to find out who this person was. My world had suddenly changed, and I was trying to find out who that made me. I had been acting okay for so long that it was literally all I knew how to do. It was easy to say that I will talk about my feelings, but actually trying to do that was so very difficult. I no longer knew how to talk about me, and my emotions. I felt like I was watching the world go by while I stood there separated from it all by a sheet of glass, unable to do anything but watch. I felt like I had been a different person before, and now it was all changing.
There was a point when I couldn't remember my past, I couldn't remember anything before the disclosure, and that was what truly broke me, that was when I feel apart and asked to go for counseling. Who am I? Was something I asked myself on a daily basis. I just wanted to be happy. But I was scared, I needed to know who I was. I needed to BE SOMEONE. I needed to prove that I was worth something. And I was scared of being no one. I felt like I had to make something of myself, in fact I still feel like that.
I no longer knew who to trust. Life was so difficult. It was a struggle just to get through each day.
I couldn't bare to cry. I hated it. I felt like I was weak if I did. I thought that it was best to keep it all inside, to put a mask on, seal it all inside of me, to put all the hurt, pain, and anger inside and not let anyone know how I felt. Every time I cried it hurt so much. I felt stupid crying, like a total idiot. But that was the biggest mistake. Crying is not showing weakness, crying is being strong, strong enough to admit that you are hurting. Crying is a release and we need that as a species. You have to strong enough to tell people that you need help.
I needed people at the point in my life, more than I have ever needed anyone. But I felt like I couldn't rely on anyone. I knew though, that what I needed right then was someone to give me a massive hug, tell me that everything was going to be okay, and never let me go. I needed that warmth embrace to reassure me.
I remember thinking that I didn't know if I could go on. I didn't know if I could keep going. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to be 'better'. I had to be okay again.
There was a point when I felt like I couldn't be me anymore, like I had to change and become someone different, but I was scared of changing, I was scared of hurting people in doing that. I just wanted to do back, to the way things were before. To the only life I knew.
I couldn't cope with seeing my family, I could barely look at them. And I wasn't sure why. I knew though, that I didn't want them to see me like I was. Screwed up and totally unsure.
That was how I was in the beginning. The first few months, that I was me. How I felt. That was a dark place. I was on a downward spiral and I couldn't stop myself. I came close to crashing at the bottom. I was traveling down a self destructive pattern and nothing was stopping me. Until one day I cracked, and asked for help. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I did it, and things changed. No, it wasn't a straight forward path from there to here, and it hasn't been easy, nor has it always been going in the right direction. Frequently I felt like I was taking one step forward, two steps back. But I did move on. And I did learn to take life as it comes. But I am still learning. I am still moving forward. My journey hasn't ended yet.
 My Life is complicated. I have a Mum that I love so much, But a Dad...well he simply doesn't exist in my life. He use to, before I realized that actaully he doesn't deserve to be my Dad. And so now he is just a biological father. He lost the right to call himself anything but that.
It was over two years ago now that my life, our lives changed. And it has been a long journey from there to here. But we have survived and it is only with the help of those around me that I have got to where I am today. Able to talk and even laugh over what has happened.
I have had some incredible people supporting me and I couldn't have pulled myself out of that dark hole without them. They may not know it but they are the reason that I am writing this blog, because they gave me the strength to become the person I am today, and it is down to them that I am in the position to give something back. And so I am writing this to show you all that though the path might not always be clear, and though sometimes it is so dark you can't see the way forward, there is light at the end, and you can and will survive.
So to everyone who has been abused this is to you. I am writing my story, telling it like it really happened.
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