There is a lot of hurt there. And a fair amount of fear. And going through it God knows I wished I was anywhere but there. I use to dream that I was adopted and someone would come and rescue me from it all. I would count down the years till I turned 18 and would leave. 

But right here and right now I wouldn't want to change it. I am glad I went through it all. It has made me the preson I am. And this person nows has hopes and dreams and the desire to change her future and take control of her life. She knows that she can't change the past, and has no control over what has already happened. But she doesn't care. She knows that if those years of her life hadn't happened she wouldn't be here, the person she is, knowing what she does, and who she is now. 


And I am slowly learning to like this person, so all in all I am so very glad that I have suffered through what I have because it has made me stronger made me a survivor and I know that now that what happened was a good thing. It made me who I am. 

You Care For Me...

Writing my diary they were some of the hardest words I had to write. Because writing it down made it true. And it was hard to accept that people out there actually cared for me. I knew when I wrote those words on the 16th of September that I should never have doubted the fact that Sara cared for me. But I did. I did for a long while. But never again. Never again will I ever doubt that she cares for me. 

From day one she was there. No matter what. Even when I hated life, and was adamant that I wasn't worth it, she was there for me. I always knew that whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, she would be there for me. 

The day that everything happened I was distraught but even then she was full of understanding. And tried her best to show me that everything would be okay. 

How many times had she tried to convince me that she cared? I have no idea. I lost count. She listened to me, because she cared. 

SARA CARES...

Its what people do. They care about others...everyone has someone who cares for them...everyone

I was scared of letting her in. Because I didn't want to be hurt again. But I know that she never will. She cares about me. 

Thank you doesn't really cover everything she has done for me. But saying thank you really is the best that I can do....

So Sara, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me, it has changed my world

They were falling apart, and I didn't know what to do. They couldn't speak to each other, well, not about IT. My Mum and Brother were tearing each other apart. And they hurt the other quite considerably sometimes. With one or other crying at the end of it. They argued over everything, and I do mean everything. Admittedly, things aren't great now, they still argue a lot. But well, that my brother really, a typical teenager. I just had to stand there and watch. Watch helplessly. Seeing how what HE had done was tearing us apart. 

But there was one good thing that month, (August 2010) was that my Mum thought I was improving. She thought I was on a 'more even keel'. But my personal opinion was that the only thing I was improving were my acting skills!! 

I did hide a lot from my family, and from some of my friends. Shut myself off because I didn't want to hear the truth, or know how to feel. I preferred the nothingness of being numb, I was protected from the pain of knowing. And that way I survived. 

It would be a while before I learnt to open up. Before I learnt what being me really meant. 

Yet I knew one day I would meet Katerina Matthews, I wasn't sure when, but I knew it wouldn't be until I was ready to. 

I wanted it all to end...life was stupid, upsetting and so very frustrating. I couldn't cope with feeling, feeling anything. Being numb was so much easier. 

I didn't want my family, I didn't want my friends, I didn't want school, I didn't want to learn, I didn't want any of it, I didn't want to live. Yet I know I couldn't die. So what was I meant to do? 

There was no escape. I had no freedom. My Mum was always there. There was no way out of it. I didn't want to see people. Yet I didn't want Mum following me everywhere. 

I just feel so useless, like I wasn't wanted. And maybe I wasn't, I never did anything right, and I really didn't try, I was just like a spare part. Not really a part of anything. Just there.

Nothing made me feel better, and so I retreated more and more into myself, living inside my head. In a world only I knew existed. A world that is still with me. A World that helps me through each and every day, good or bad. 

I knew what I needed though. I needed a friend. A friend who knew me better than I knew myself. I needed a friend to love me, who I could turn to when I was feeling down, who would hug me, and love me and tell me it was going to be okay. In short what I needed was a Connie...(I'll explain another time).

There was a point were I did consider it. When I did think that I would be better off dead. Where I thought that no one would really notice if I died. Where I thought that no one cared so I might as well die and save myself the pain of living. Thank God I had people there to talk sense into me! It wasn't my Mum though, she never knew that I was that bad. She never knew that I felt like dying sometimes. 

I guess I never seriously considered it, because surely if I really wanted to die I would have just killed myself right? But anyway, I told Sara that I felt like dying, and well she just told me not to, and after an hour long talk I left the room and never considered killing myself again. She told me that I wouldn't be better off dead, that I had so much to live for. That she would notice, and care if I died, as would my family, she told me to consider my Mum's feelings. And so I knew that I couldn't kill myself. 

Because as bad as it was for me, surely it would be worse for those around me, knowing that I didn't feel that they were enough, knowing that they should have helped me. So I didn't die, because I didn't want them to  hurt. And that is what you have to consider right? Because you are not the only one hurting, yes, you may be hurting the most. But those around you will be hurting so badly if you die, probably hurting more than you did. 

So take a moment, and consider the bigger picture. And don't do it. 

We were 5 months down the line...5 months since I had disclosed...5 months since I had last seen my father...5 months since I had last seen my abuser...5 months since I had lived in constant fear...5 months since my world had been turned upside down...

It was weird really...I no longer thought about him...it was like I had packed him into a box and didn't think about him unless I had to. There were no unwanted memories...no unwanted thoughts...no flashbacks...no sleepless nights...there was nothing there...he was gone from my life, from my head, from my memories...he didn't exist in my life. 

I was numb...I wasn't thinking, feeling or anything...I was like a robot...and I didn't care....

But you should care...I should have tried. I just wanted the pain to disappear so I let myself become numb. Which was the worst thing I could have done. Not feeling meant that there was no happiness..no joy, no excitement. There was nothing there. I stopped hoping, I didn't see past that day. I was barely living. All I wished for was for everything to end...everything to stop, because I couldn't cope. I needed so much more time than I actually had. 

So shut the memories away, shut all the bad into a box, but keep the pain, because as hard as it is, it keeps you alive. And believe me, dying is not something you want to do. Because that just hurts you, and those around you all the more. 

Kat xx

I got use to not going to school, not having friends always there, just being by myself, and only relying on myself to make me okay. I knew that I wasn't alone as such, and that Mum was always there if I needed to talk, but there are some things that I couldn't tell her, because she was too closely involved. 

I knew that when I did talk to people at school she did feel slightly hurt, she tried not too show it, but I knew she was. But I couldn't talk to her, because what I had to say would hurt her even more. So who was I meant to talk to? 

Kat xx

I once had a really weird dream, that has stayed with me for a long time. 

I dreamt that my Mum kicked me out of the house, which is NOT going to happen, but anyway. I got in this car that was waiting outside, I don't know who was driving, all I know is that we drove off. They dropped me off somewhere and I just started to walk. A little while later I cam across this track, and there was Sara walking down it with someone else, they were walking away from me, but I called out and as she turned the space between us was suddenly gone, and there she was hugging me. 

I know that we carried on walking, and then we reached what I guess was Sara's house. She let me live with her. 

It was a good dream, but I know that it will never happen. 

And I guess that you have to accept reality for what it is...as much as I would love to live my dream life, I know that it cannot happen. So I have to focus on reality, and living it to the full. I know that I can't suddenly become 5ft 5" and 8 stone. I know that I can't suddenly be a Commander in the Army, running an Academy in the midlands. I know that I can't be a surgeon working in Queen Elizabeths Hospital. I can't do these things. But I can get good enough A Levels to allow me to study History at University. I know that I can write a book about these things though...

All it takes is belief...xx

Kat xx

Breaking up from school meant that I wouldn't see Sara for six weeks. And that was something that I wasn't looking forward to. Since my discloser in March Sara had kept me going. She was why I had coped. She was literally my everything. And knowing that I wouldn't see her meant that my coping system would be, well, non existent. So how was I going to survive? 

Sara was my friend. She had already invited herself to my wedding. Which well, I haven't even got a boyfriend. 

I would really miss her, and her advice, and her caring personality. 

But there was light at the end of the tunnel, when we got back in September she was going to be my mentor, which meant that I would see her every week. I knew that we wouldn't be discussing anything school related. But I didn't need a mentor to help me with school, I needed a mentor to help me personally, which I knew she would. 

Yet as the end of term drew nearer I did feel happier. Which was strange, I thought it would be the other way around. But I didn't really question it. Just went with the flow. I knew now that I wouldn't have to wait that long for counseling. 

I was expecting to bomb at first. As everyone told me I would. But I figured that I couldn't get any lower. 

The end of school was going to be difficult though. School was my escape. Home was terrible. I felt like I was continually walking on egg shells. Everyone was so on edge. I never knew where I stood. Mum really wasn't coping. It was so hard on her. I did try. But I was only 14. I couldn't help her like she needed help. 

Some days you feel like you can't cope. You feel like you can't go on. You feel you will never reach the other side. But just look around you. If you can't do it for you, do it for everyone you care about. I did it for Sara and Mum. They gave me hope and strength. And I thank God every day for them. 


IMPORTANT MESSAGE: You family, as hard a time as they may give you. They only do it because they love you. And they are hurting because you got hurt. So relax, give them a break. Don't argue with them, accept what they are saying, even if you disagree with it, because it will make things slightly easier for you. They will want to limit your freedom, and though you may hate it, stick with it, after a while they will let you go again. For months my Mum took me everywhere with her, I hated it, but it was best in the long run, because then we became closer and she learnt to trust me. 

NEVER GIVE UP

Kat xx