You Care For Me...

Writing my diary they were some of the hardest words I had to write. Because writing it down made it true. And it was hard to accept that people out there actually cared for me. I knew when I wrote those words on the 16th of September that I should never have doubted the fact that Sara cared for me. But I did. I did for a long while. But never again. Never again will I ever doubt that she cares for me. 

From day one she was there. No matter what. Even when I hated life, and was adamant that I wasn't worth it, she was there for me. I always knew that whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, she would be there for me. 

The day that everything happened I was distraught but even then she was full of understanding. And tried her best to show me that everything would be okay. 

How many times had she tried to convince me that she cared? I have no idea. I lost count. She listened to me, because she cared. 

SARA CARES...

Its what people do. They care about others...everyone has someone who cares for them...everyone

I was scared of letting her in. Because I didn't want to be hurt again. But I know that she never will. She cares about me. 

Thank you doesn't really cover everything she has done for me. But saying thank you really is the best that I can do....

So Sara, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me, it has changed my world

And yes, I was scared when I saw her again, after she had read it. I felt so vulnerable, knowing that with what she had read in there she could really hurt me. But she didn't. She told me that her love for me was unconditional. And that, well, that meant more to me than anything else she has ever said to me. For the first time I can really remember I cried from happiness, simply because someone out there could love me for who I am. All I wanted to do was hug her and never let her go. For those few moments in time I knew I was special. Because she loved me. I don't think words can really describe what that meant to me...

For the next few days I felt like my head was in the clouds, I was just drifting through life, and in fact it took me a while to find my feet again, because for the first time I knew that I had really let someone in. And it was a funny sensation. Anyway, I spent a long time going over that conversation and I knew that no matter what I had someone who would always be there for me. 

I had plenty of these...which my Mum was not pleased with...I could be so happy one moment...the next rock bottom...and so she came up with a 'simply solution'. Hormone Tablets. They didn't work. I am still on them. Because it keeps her happy. But seriously..there was no difference. I just learnt to hide the rock bottom moments. 

And I guess thats what you have to do. You have to stop thinking of how rough you feel, and work towards making other people happy. 

I did hate most of my family during that period because, simply I couldn't be honest with them, I had to be the happy bunny, not that I did a good job of that. They all knew I was not happy, yet they didn't know how to help me, but then again who does know who to deal with abuse? They thought that counseling would help me. But then Mum would question me about the counseling session, and well what was I going to tell her. That I felt that the only reason I was trying to be 'better' was because of her? That I didn't know who I was? That I hated myself? I think not. So counseling just became awkward. 

But hell, I still went, because it made my family happy. It made my Mum feel like she was helping me. It made them think that I was getting 'better'. And that is what you have to do. Do things that don't necessarily make you happy, but make others happy. You have to be an adult. And put others first. 

Kat xox

There was a point were I did consider it. When I did think that I would be better off dead. Where I thought that no one would really notice if I died. Where I thought that no one cared so I might as well die and save myself the pain of living. Thank God I had people there to talk sense into me! It wasn't my Mum though, she never knew that I was that bad. She never knew that I felt like dying sometimes. 

I guess I never seriously considered it, because surely if I really wanted to die I would have just killed myself right? But anyway, I told Sara that I felt like dying, and well she just told me not to, and after an hour long talk I left the room and never considered killing myself again. She told me that I wouldn't be better off dead, that I had so much to live for. That she would notice, and care if I died, as would my family, she told me to consider my Mum's feelings. And so I knew that I couldn't kill myself. 

Because as bad as it was for me, surely it would be worse for those around me, knowing that I didn't feel that they were enough, knowing that they should have helped me. So I didn't die, because I didn't want them to  hurt. And that is what you have to consider right? Because you are not the only one hurting, yes, you may be hurting the most. But those around you will be hurting so badly if you die, probably hurting more than you did. 

So take a moment, and consider the bigger picture. And don't do it. 

I got use to not going to school, not having friends always there, just being by myself, and only relying on myself to make me okay. I knew that I wasn't alone as such, and that Mum was always there if I needed to talk, but there are some things that I couldn't tell her, because she was too closely involved. 

I knew that when I did talk to people at school she did feel slightly hurt, she tried not too show it, but I knew she was. But I couldn't talk to her, because what I had to say would hurt her even more. So who was I meant to talk to? 

Kat xx

I once had a really weird dream, that has stayed with me for a long time. 

I dreamt that my Mum kicked me out of the house, which is NOT going to happen, but anyway. I got in this car that was waiting outside, I don't know who was driving, all I know is that we drove off. They dropped me off somewhere and I just started to walk. A little while later I cam across this track, and there was Sara walking down it with someone else, they were walking away from me, but I called out and as she turned the space between us was suddenly gone, and there she was hugging me. 

I know that we carried on walking, and then we reached what I guess was Sara's house. She let me live with her. 

It was a good dream, but I know that it will never happen. 

And I guess that you have to accept reality for what it is...as much as I would love to live my dream life, I know that it cannot happen. So I have to focus on reality, and living it to the full. I know that I can't suddenly become 5ft 5" and 8 stone. I know that I can't suddenly be a Commander in the Army, running an Academy in the midlands. I know that I can't be a surgeon working in Queen Elizabeths Hospital. I can't do these things. But I can get good enough A Levels to allow me to study History at University. I know that I can write a book about these things though...

All it takes is belief...xx

Kat xx