I feel that the best way to explain this is through photos so here we go...

I never cut my wrists, or seriously made myself bleed, or any of that stuff...but I did scratch the skin off my arms several times when it got too much for me to cope with, but I can understand perfectly why people want to do it, and why people go so far as to commit suicide...

Strange concept I guess, but that is what I had to do. I had to learn to love life again. And I can't say I was totally successful, because that would be lying. And I don't want to do that. There are still parts of my life that I don't love. And there are parts of my life that I don't particularly like. But isn't that the way with everyone. I didn't wish to love my whole life. I just needed to accept my life. And that was harder done than said believe me. How can you accept the fact that I had been abused by my own Dad? I didn't know. And it was not like anyone could tell me...

But deep down I knew it was something I had to do if I was to move on. 

I had to find a way of not only accepting my past, but learning to live in the present. 

It was hard, and it did take time, but eventually I found a way to let my Father go. 

It was like having a box, and packing all the bad memories inside, and then sealing it, putting on a really high shelf, and only ever taking it down to add others in. Others that for whatever reason I did not want to remember. 

I remember sitting on my bed on night, it was late and my room was pitch black, there was just this tiny gap in my curtains, and I looked out into the night, and did this. I put all the memories of my Father in this cardboard box and put them away, because I didn't want to remember them, or him. 


I wanted him gone...out of my life. And I never, ever wanted to see him again for as long as I live. 

Kat x

They were falling apart, and I didn't know what to do. They couldn't speak to each other, well, not about IT. My Mum and Brother were tearing each other apart. And they hurt the other quite considerably sometimes. With one or other crying at the end of it. They argued over everything, and I do mean everything. Admittedly, things aren't great now, they still argue a lot. But well, that my brother really, a typical teenager. I just had to stand there and watch. Watch helplessly. Seeing how what HE had done was tearing us apart. 

But there was one good thing that month, (August 2010) was that my Mum thought I was improving. She thought I was on a 'more even keel'. But my personal opinion was that the only thing I was improving were my acting skills!! 

I did hide a lot from my family, and from some of my friends. Shut myself off because I didn't want to hear the truth, or know how to feel. I preferred the nothingness of being numb, I was protected from the pain of knowing. And that way I survived. 

It would be a while before I learnt to open up. Before I learnt what being me really meant. 

Yet I knew one day I would meet Katerina Matthews, I wasn't sure when, but I knew it wouldn't be until I was ready to. 

I wished that I could walk away from my life, walk away from my family, walk away from my pain, walk away from my memories. I wished that I could leave everything behind, and never come back. I wished I never had to see anyone, or anything associated with my life again. Yes, there would be people and things that I would miss, but it would be worth it for the new start that would come with it. Yea, I would be heaven. But that wasn't possible, however much I may have hoped for it. 

But I wasn't really thinking straight at the time, I was simply consumed with hate...consumed with fear, and unspoken feelings. I was trapped, in chains, and hating every second of it. 

One day, I told myself, I will walk out of this house that is no longer home, and never return. I won't, I told myself, see any of these people again, I won't speak to them again. They aren't my family. They haven't been for a long time. Or so I told myself. Reading this makes my really upset, because I can't imagine hating them like this, I can't imagine leaving them, or my home. It does make me cry. But thats how I felt, so thats why I'm saying this. 

I was so alone. I didn't feel like I had a family, I didn't feel like I had a life. But what little of a life I did have I didn't want to share. 

So I fought, I had a dream, and I was trying so hard to make it come true. I was sure that I was going to be a surgeon. (I don't think so, that dream died a long time ago! It was never going to happen. Not clever enough!) 

But I held on...

Kat x

I had plenty of these...which my Mum was not pleased with...I could be so happy one moment...the next rock bottom...and so she came up with a 'simply solution'. Hormone Tablets. They didn't work. I am still on them. Because it keeps her happy. But seriously..there was no difference. I just learnt to hide the rock bottom moments. 

And I guess thats what you have to do. You have to stop thinking of how rough you feel, and work towards making other people happy. 

I did hate most of my family during that period because, simply I couldn't be honest with them, I had to be the happy bunny, not that I did a good job of that. They all knew I was not happy, yet they didn't know how to help me, but then again who does know who to deal with abuse? They thought that counseling would help me. But then Mum would question me about the counseling session, and well what was I going to tell her. That I felt that the only reason I was trying to be 'better' was because of her? That I didn't know who I was? That I hated myself? I think not. So counseling just became awkward. 

But hell, I still went, because it made my family happy. It made my Mum feel like she was helping me. It made them think that I was getting 'better'. And that is what you have to do. Do things that don't necessarily make you happy, but make others happy. You have to be an adult. And put others first. 

Kat xox

There was a point were I did consider it. When I did think that I would be better off dead. Where I thought that no one would really notice if I died. Where I thought that no one cared so I might as well die and save myself the pain of living. Thank God I had people there to talk sense into me! It wasn't my Mum though, she never knew that I was that bad. She never knew that I felt like dying sometimes. 

I guess I never seriously considered it, because surely if I really wanted to die I would have just killed myself right? But anyway, I told Sara that I felt like dying, and well she just told me not to, and after an hour long talk I left the room and never considered killing myself again. She told me that I wouldn't be better off dead, that I had so much to live for. That she would notice, and care if I died, as would my family, she told me to consider my Mum's feelings. And so I knew that I couldn't kill myself. 

Because as bad as it was for me, surely it would be worse for those around me, knowing that I didn't feel that they were enough, knowing that they should have helped me. So I didn't die, because I didn't want them to  hurt. And that is what you have to consider right? Because you are not the only one hurting, yes, you may be hurting the most. But those around you will be hurting so badly if you die, probably hurting more than you did. 

So take a moment, and consider the bigger picture. And don't do it. 

We were 5 months down the line...5 months since I had disclosed...5 months since I had last seen my father...5 months since I had last seen my abuser...5 months since I had lived in constant fear...5 months since my world had been turned upside down...

It was weird really...I no longer thought about him...it was like I had packed him into a box and didn't think about him unless I had to. There were no unwanted memories...no unwanted thoughts...no flashbacks...no sleepless nights...there was nothing there...he was gone from my life, from my head, from my memories...he didn't exist in my life. 

I was numb...I wasn't thinking, feeling or anything...I was like a robot...and I didn't care....

But you should care...I should have tried. I just wanted the pain to disappear so I let myself become numb. Which was the worst thing I could have done. Not feeling meant that there was no happiness..no joy, no excitement. There was nothing there. I stopped hoping, I didn't see past that day. I was barely living. All I wished for was for everything to end...everything to stop, because I couldn't cope. I needed so much more time than I actually had. 

So shut the memories away, shut all the bad into a box, but keep the pain, because as hard as it is, it keeps you alive. And believe me, dying is not something you want to do. Because that just hurts you, and those around you all the more. 

Kat xx

I got use to not going to school, not having friends always there, just being by myself, and only relying on myself to make me okay. I knew that I wasn't alone as such, and that Mum was always there if I needed to talk, but there are some things that I couldn't tell her, because she was too closely involved. 

I knew that when I did talk to people at school she did feel slightly hurt, she tried not too show it, but I knew she was. But I couldn't talk to her, because what I had to say would hurt her even more. So who was I meant to talk to? 

Kat xx

As you know seeing people was hard for me...I preferred to be by myself, where there was no risk of disappointing anyone but me...were I couldn't hurt anyone but me...everyone annoyed me...and I didn't understand it...all I knew was that it was safer for me to be by myself. 

Over the summer we repainted my bedroom. I think that helped things, because there was no getting away from my family then, I had to talk, I had to be nice and polite, I had to cope. So maybe that helped me, I don't know. All I know is that it was good that we did repaint my room, because it helped wash away the memories that those walls contained. 

I often wondered whether Sara thought of me over the summer like I did her. I didn't really think about the future...or whether I would continue to see her, or stuff like that. I just thought about what she had said to me, conversations we had had during the year, that kind of stuff...because it helped....

Kat xx

Take what you need...but never forget those that helped you...xx

Breaking up from school meant that I wouldn't see Sara for six weeks. And that was something that I wasn't looking forward to. Since my discloser in March Sara had kept me going. She was why I had coped. She was literally my everything. And knowing that I wouldn't see her meant that my coping system would be, well, non existent. So how was I going to survive? 

Sara was my friend. She had already invited herself to my wedding. Which well, I haven't even got a boyfriend. 

I would really miss her, and her advice, and her caring personality. 

But there was light at the end of the tunnel, when we got back in September she was going to be my mentor, which meant that I would see her every week. I knew that we wouldn't be discussing anything school related. But I didn't need a mentor to help me with school, I needed a mentor to help me personally, which I knew she would. 

Yet as the end of term drew nearer I did feel happier. Which was strange, I thought it would be the other way around. But I didn't really question it. Just went with the flow. I knew now that I wouldn't have to wait that long for counseling. 

I was expecting to bomb at first. As everyone told me I would. But I figured that I couldn't get any lower. 

The end of school was going to be difficult though. School was my escape. Home was terrible. I felt like I was continually walking on egg shells. Everyone was so on edge. I never knew where I stood. Mum really wasn't coping. It was so hard on her. I did try. But I was only 14. I couldn't help her like she needed help. 

Some days you feel like you can't cope. You feel like you can't go on. You feel you will never reach the other side. But just look around you. If you can't do it for you, do it for everyone you care about. I did it for Sara and Mum. They gave me hope and strength. And I thank God every day for them. 


IMPORTANT MESSAGE: You family, as hard a time as they may give you. They only do it because they love you. And they are hurting because you got hurt. So relax, give them a break. Don't argue with them, accept what they are saying, even if you disagree with it, because it will make things slightly easier for you. They will want to limit your freedom, and though you may hate it, stick with it, after a while they will let you go again. For months my Mum took me everywhere with her, I hated it, but it was best in the long run, because then we became closer and she learnt to trust me. 

NEVER GIVE UP

Kat xx