There is a lot of hurt there. And a fair amount of fear. And going through it God knows I wished I was anywhere but there. I use to dream that I was adopted and someone would come and rescue me from it all. I would count down the years till I turned 18 and would leave. 

But right here and right now I wouldn't want to change it. I am glad I went through it all. It has made me the preson I am. And this person nows has hopes and dreams and the desire to change her future and take control of her life. She knows that she can't change the past, and has no control over what has already happened. But she doesn't care. She knows that if those years of her life hadn't happened she wouldn't be here, the person she is, knowing what she does, and who she is now. 


And I am slowly learning to like this person, so all in all I am so very glad that I have suffered through what I have because it has made me stronger made me a survivor and I know that now that what happened was a good thing. It made me who I am. 

I always felt like I was never smart enough. Never pretty enough. Just generally not good enough. It's a feeling that has stayed with me my whole life. 

Even when I got my GCSE results couple of years ago, I thought to myself I bet I could have done better if this year hadn't happened the way it did. 
Then I thought "my brother will do better. And my cousin" 

There are so many things that have contributed to me feeling this way about myself but by far the biggest one is my father. 

There were many times over the first few months after I disclosed that I thought to myself "I must be an awful person if my own father could do this to me". I really thought it was own fault. That people hated me. That no one would care if tomorrow I died. I thought if I did die no one would miss me. 

Sometimes I still feel like that, but I no I shouldn't, I know now that people do care. 

My father did make me hide in myself. He did make me feel like shit. I thought I was worth nothing. I thought I was a failure. I thought I would never succeed. I thought I was no one. I hated myself. And I lived in fear.

My biggest fear will always be failure. I will always be scared of it. Nothing anyone can do will change that but I understand that that is part of who I am. 

I still feel like I am not good enough and I know it will take a lot longer to change that feeling. 

It went on for such along time, I can't really remember when it started. To me I grew up with it happening nearly everyday so I ended up thinking it was part of a normal family. 

As I got older I started to hate it, and hate my Father for doing it to me. I thought I was weak because I couldn't cope with it. I'm not gonna speak about what he DID to me. But he never raped me or anything like that. It wasn't like that. But it made me feel stupid, weak and guilty. I though I was nothing. I didn't think anyone could care about me. I didn't trust anyone. But things are different now. My life has changed. 



That period of my life was really difficult. You feel so alone, and have no one there for you. I personally couldn't tell anyone for fear of what might happen. I thought they would say I was being stupid and it was something that happened to every girl and I was weak because I couldn't cope. When I was little I thougt it was a kinda test you had to go through. I never really understood a proper family, I've never had one. Whenever I see one, I am on the outside looking in. 

My Dad has made things difficult for me in so many ways but aleast now I am starting to rebuild my life. But he will always be there. A shadow of horror perched on my shoulder, following me wherever I go. 

Yet once you have survived this you know you can survive anything. You have been to the darkess part of life and managed to live to see another day. 


So keep on going, never give up, because things do get better and you can survive. 

I could say that I am a child abuse survivor, because I am still alive. So yea I have survived. 

But I still get nightmares. Not that anyone knows. I still worry that one day he will come home. 

But I have, apart from that moved on. I don't think about him often. I can hardly picture his face anymore. My life is different now and I am a better person because of what I have been through in my life. Because of his actions I am the person I am today. I didn't let my life fall to pieces, I carried on and due to the help of those around me I climbed out of the dark hole he had left me in. 

I am happy now. I dont believe that he has destroyed my life. I have forgotten the fear and pain I felt because of him. I only longer fear it is him if I hear a car door shut outside our house. I only longer imagine meeting him on the way to or from school. 

So I have survived.


Yet deep down the fear still remains...

I hid the fear for a long while and tend not to let people know just how afraid of him I still am...but when I think about meeting him again I freeze and can't move, think, or even breathe...he scares me so much....and I can't ride myself of that fear..ever

I never have done. I think I am shit. Have done for as long as I can remember. I don't think I am worth anything l. Never can except a compliment. People tell me I am smart, but I can never believe them. 


I wish I could love being me. But I can't. And during those first 8 or so months after I disclosed it was worse. I really hated myself. I hated waking up and being me. I just wished that I could escape, have a new life. Be someone different.

My Dad had two great kids, they worked hard, they tried their best, they respected people, they were polite, they had dreams and ambitions, they didn't argue that much really, they had been brought up well. By him? No. By their mother. 

Their mother was the one who woke them up every morning, got them ready for school, took them to school, picked them up from school, made their tea, read to them every single night, put them to bed and kissed them goodnight. And what did they always ask, every single evening "When is Daddy coming home?" and what was the standard answer? "I don't know. " she always said. Who treats their wife like that? Well, he always did. She never knew where he was or what she was doing. 

My father was never around when I was a child, he never helped us with our homework, he never took us out, he never encouraged us at anything. 

Even when he was around, he was never there, not really. You could be having a conversation with him and he would wander off and make a phone call, or start talking to someone else. 

You weren't really a person. You were an object. 

And our lives were kinda falling apart. 

Mum and Dad had never got on, you kinda grew up knowing that your parents didn't love one another. As as you got older you realized that the only reason they were together was because of you. 

I remember going Christmas shopping with Dad the year before he left. He told us if we ever wanted him and Mum to spilt up we should just say so because we were the only reason they were still together. I guess that just confirmed the idea that he was having an affair. 

I kinda knew he wasn't faithful and Mum did as well. But neither of us let on to the other. Though recently she has said she knew though not in some many words. 

When I was 7 I saw him kissing a woman at his work. I went home and told Mum. I didn't know what it meant but as I got older I started to understand what I had seen. And it made me realize; I don't think I ever saw my parents kissing. 

No, Dad didn't deserve all that he had. 

He had a wife who did everything. Cooked, cleaned, worked, and looked after his children 24/7. He never had any pressure on him. He could work all hours that God sent. Or do whatever else he wanted....

He was lucky, yet he through that all away. For what. So he could torture his daughter. I can't see sense in that one. 

I dont speak about this ever. And by ever I do mean ever. No one but me and Sara know that this ever happened. And that was the way it was going to stay. But I feel like now is the right time to tell you this story. And if it wasn't for me knowing that this actually happened; I would believe it to be a story because it doesn't seem possible that I actually did this, felt like this. And wanted to do this. 

I guess it must have been late June, early July 2010. I know it was before we broke up for the summer break. 

I wanted to commit suicide. I was sure I was going to do it. I just didn't know how. 

I told Sara that I wanted to die one day. And so she demanded that I speak to her the next day and explain why. God knows what she was thinking or feeling. I must have worried her sick with some of the stuff I told her. 

Anyway I went to her first thing the next morning, and she gave me a note to explain why I wouldnt be in my PE class later that day. I remember I sat in the ICT suite with her and told her that I had to die because I was hurting too much and was hurting other people because I couldnt cope. I dont know what she said to me or what else happened. But whatever she said in that room changed me. I no longer wanted to die. She made me see I was more than just the pain I was feeling. She told me that she would miss me if I died, that she would hurt, and I would hurt those around me far me. 

She changed my view, and since that moment I never thought about dying again. I was going to live. And more importantly I was going to survive to show her that I am worth it. 

It reached 7 Months, and I realized that it actually felt years. I spent a lot of time thinking about HIM, and suddenly I knew that since he had been gone I hadn't felt actual fear. I was no longer living in fear. I was no longer constantly SCARED! His presence no longer haunted my every waking moment. He was gone from my life. GONE! I did my upmost to shut him away, knowing that without him in my thoughts he had no power of me anymore. 

I still wasn't sure how to cope with day to day life, but I was getting there slowly. I was moving on. 

I changed. I had become a lot stronger person. And was far more determined. Determined to make something out of my life. To be someone. 

So this I wrote about six months or so after I disclosed, when I was on a really low point...and I thought I should post it because it is so full of emotion. When I wrote it I cried, and did the first dozen or so time I read it afterwards. Now I don't. I have moved on...in a way. 


I woke in fear, 
I slept in fear, 
In fear of you
And what you could do to me, 
You scared me, 
Yet I had no choice but to love you, 
And there was nothing 
That I could do 
To stop the things you did, 
The way you made me feel
Sacred me for life, 
May I ask way did you
Do this to me?

I never though I was
Good enough
You really hurt me
And yet you still
Never stopped even 
When I cried out no

Is this normal?
Is this what I deserve? 
What is so wrong with me
That I can't cope with this? 

I never felt anything but fear
I couldn't help but imagine
A better life
One without you
But everywhere I turned
There you were
I couldn't escape
I wasn't free
I had no idea who I was
And never ever will

Do you know my opinion of me??
Do you??
(I am not going to write the actual next line...not ready for that yet)
And it is because of you
And what you did that
I feel this way
I can't live like this much longer

Let me go I say
But you still hang on
And I get more alone
Thinking everyday that I must be 
A horrible person for you
To treat me the way you did

The nights were the worst
When there was no where to go
And the fear crept up 
Emotion was a thing I never knew
You ruled my life

I sometimes wonder what if
But I can't stand where my thoughts go
Because of you I can't trust
I can't feel anything but hurt
And it is so deep inside I don't 
Know how to heal it

You seemed to play so many 
Mind games with me
And I couldn't tell you when 
You started this
How young was I when you started?
Was I 9, 8 or even 7?
Or did you start younger?
6 maybe? 5? Please say no
I don't want to go lower
I'm too scared

Don't you see how wrong that is?
Can't you see what you have done?
Just how much you have killed me?
Sometimes I wanted to die
I wanted to hurt me
Just so I can feel something real
Something that isn't caused by you
Sometimes I want an emotion
An emotion that I understand

What did I do to cause you
To do this to me?
Is this my fault?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why am I sorry? 
Why can't I cope?
Just why am I this way?

Will you let me go now?
I need something to live for
I need you gone
But everywhere I turn there you are
Staring me in the face
Refusing to let me go
And just when I think the wound 
Is healed you open it again
And the hurt pours back in
I thought I had you locked away
In a box, at the back of my mind

I was never going to let you out
The key was thrown away
But of its own accord the fear
Returns and slowly so do you
Until I just can't cope
So here I am in need of a hug
And someone to tell me it will be okay
But really want I need now is 
A different life
Please let me go Daddy
I just can't cope