Last week she rang me up saying that no one wants to go and see Gambit. I can sympathise with them..she is a massive Alan Rickman fan!! But because she is my cousin and I love her, and haven't been to this cinema is aaaages..I agreed to go with her. So we are seeing it tomorrow...no idea what it is about..but I am sure I will enjoy it, and enjoy spending time with Helena. Happy times :)
I will be sleeping over and then will go horse riding on the Sunday morning. Thats gonna be strange..going horse riding and no Guiness...sad face :(
All morning to myself. And only one lesson this afternoon. A lush day...!!
My diary I have been keeping since June 2010. It is where I get the facts for Survival from. It is a pretty accurate record of my emotions and feelings at the time. It shows the place I was in mentally. Which a lot of the time is a bad place.
But the stuff which I haven't written in my diary tells a whole story in itself. I've left out my self harm experiences. I left out my suicidal period. I left out a lot of stuff about my counseling. I left out learning that I was clinically depressed. I've left out a lot of stuff. Stuff that hurts me to think about. Stuff that, to be honest, I am ashamed about.
And there is in fact a very simple reason for this. I write my diary to someone. Someone I love very much. And when I decided I was going to name my diary, I decided to write my diary to this person. And since then I have written to them. And though this person hasn't read it, in writing it down, to her, I feel like I am actually telling this what I am feeling and thinking. So there really is some stuff that I am just too ashamed to tell her. Even though some of what I have left out they do know....making sense?
Just written this...
Andrew came over then, and ripped Min’s clothes off, and she started to cry, saying softly “Please no, please don’t”. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset. There were worst things to come.
How right I was. What happened next is something no one should ever see and something nobody should ever go through.
They raped her.
Once. Twice. Three times.
They made her scream.
They made her cry.
They hurt her.
They cut her vagina open.
They whipped her.
They ripped her open.
Knives cut strange patterns all over her body.
They burnt her.
Burnt her flesh.
They shot her.
Shot her in the head.
They killed her.
They destroyed a beautiful loving woman in mere moments. They stole her life. And in doing so they killed my hope, my dreams. They left me alone. Minerva was dead. My second mummy was gone.
What do you think? Kinda sad isn't it. What a horrid way to die. I wish I didn't have to kill her..but it is necessary. The rest of the book wouldn't make sense if she didn't die. Sorry Min. I love you.
I keep wondering what I am going to do with my life. I have so many dreams. But they simply aren't realistic. And real life isn't what any of my dreams reflect. All I know is that I want to be an author. I need to be an author. But how I am going to get from here to there I don't know.
Guess I am just a teenager with her head full of hopes of a perfect live with a perfect love. Because if I could live my dreams then that is how it would be. And so that is how I dream of my future. Even though I know it is unlikely. Any of this making sense to you guys?
I wish I could become Cuitadella Sanda. I wish I could live the life of my books.
To be honest I am scared of the future now. And saying that scares me. Because I have never been scared of the future. The future has always been my hope, not my fear.
I spent saturday morning doing homework, the afternoon writing and listening to music while daydreaming!! I spend a lot of my time doing that, I like to imagine parts of my book, figure out how it is gonna go, and generally try to build my characters. Currently am working on Book One - This Story That I Call My Life, where I am killing off Minerva.
Sunday morning I put my light on my bike and then went up the city to meet my best mate at 1, we did some christmas shopping, had a great laugh, generally caught up and giggled our way through the afternoon. I love Adam, my gay friend, who I couldn't live without.
Any of you guys got a gay friend?? They are great fun, and never complain if you want to go shopping with them right??
What Do You Think?
Connie and I.
We are friends, colleagues and sisters.
We are so similar it is like we are twins, but we are also so different, it is a miracle that we are even friends.
Nobody can understand us, not even those who work side by side with us every day of the week. We are a true puzzle, a total mystery. And that is the way we like it.
Even I can’t even understand the relationship which we share.
I've been writing this section over the past few days.
Minerva, Cuitadella's foster mother and Cuitadella have been kidnapped. Cuitadella is 6 years old and they have taken the two of them to an old abandoned warehouse.
Tony. Tony Fitz. This was the man I quickly learnt to fear. Who haunted my dreams, as well as my waking thoughts. Who I hated more than any other man alive. Who I wanted dead. Who killed so many of my dreams.
Tony dragged us down some stairs into a damp, dark cramped room underground. There he tied us up against the walls, me against one, Min the other. It was like a type of emotional torture, being able to see each other, but not able to touch. My hands were bound behind my back, pulling my shoulders forward, so I was in a slightly hunched sitting position, it hurt the muscles in my arms, as they were not use to being in such an unusual position. The rope wrapped around my middle tied me to a wooden pole, which stretched up to support the floor of the warehouse. Min was tied in the same position, the pain it was causing her was evident on her face. But even so she still managed to smile weakly at me, trying her best to reassure me that everything would be okay. Yet I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. I whispered to her “It will be okay Min, everything will be okay, I love you”. I received a smack round my cheeks for my trouble. But that wasn’t what worried me, what worried me was what I had said. Because I didn’t believe it myself. So how could I expect her too.
What advantage was love when they had knives and guns, and could kill you in a mere instant? Love couldn’t stop a bullet. Love couldn’t heal a knife wound. Love couldn’t help us escape from here. Love couldn’t defend us from the pain they could inflict on us. What use was love when we were facing death?
After Tony had tied us up and Andrew had left us, at Tony’s orders, Tony drew a knife out of his pocket and advanced towards Min. My heart skipped a beat and I felt the fear rise up in my throat, as well as a scream, but I stopped it from escaping. I didn’t want Min, or Tony to see how afraid I was. Then, just as he was began to lower the knife down towards her throat he whirled around to face me, and taking to massive strides forward he drew close and bent down, looking me in the eyes he said menacingly “You, Cuitadella will now die. Saldinio may not have killed you like he did your parents, but I will”. The threat didn’t register. All I concentrated on was Saldinio, the name of the man who had stolen my parents from me four years ago. I finally knew who had murdered them.
Suddenly my focus snapped back to the present, as the knife he was holding sliced through my skin. Cutting a straight line from my right shoulder to left hip. All I could think about what how cold the blade was against my skin. The pain I didn’t notice. Not until he had finished cutting the line, and then I saw my blood dripping off the knife, creating a crimson pool on the ground in front of me. It was only then that I realized what he had done, and the pain flooded through my brain, releasing an anguished scream. One that was echoed by Min who had watched with horrified eyes. I looked up at Tony, standing triumphant above me and vowed not to fall into deaths clutches through his actions. I vowed to live.
He left and I slumped slightly, letting my head fall forward and the pain filled me down to my bones, consuming the core of me. Then I heard Min start to crying as she called out my name, so I lifted up my head once again and looked at her. Seeing her fearfully wide eyes I mentally shoved the pain down to the depths of my mind and managed to smile back at her, trying to convey that I was actually okay. But I don’t think that it was really working. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before, I wanted to surrender to it, just to fall into the relief of unconsciousness, but I didn’t want to leave Min alone and vulnerable. Not that I would be able to help, but she wouldn’t die alone. And I had no doubt that we would be dying today. I couldn’t understand why they wanted us dead, but I knew they did.
A moment or so later I managed to pluck up the courage to look down, and what I saw seriously disturbed me, and sent shivers down my spine.
The scar was long and straight, with clean cut edges that had ripped apart allowing the blood to fall in thick red ribbons to the floor. It had covered my clothes and had soaked through dying them the same dark red colour.
My top was in tatters the edges of them cut, frayed and broken. Just like I felt.
What do you think of it? Is it realistic enough? Believable? Would you read it? Comment and let me know!! Please!
So as you may know my 6th form is spilt over two sites and the school hire buses to get us from one site to the other. So yesterday my first two lessons where on one site, the school closest to me, and then the 3 period lesson was on the other. So I got the break time bus to the other site. Only to find out my teacher was ill and the lesson was cancelled. So that annoyed me as I had wasted that time for nothing and could have gone home at break time instead of getting the bus.
So I walked to the bus stop where I had to wait ages for the public bus to come and didn't get home till nearly midday so I had wasted an hour and a half.
Yea, I was really annoyed!!
No I don't have a baby..don't worry...my baby is my dog. My dog is Sandy Rose. A flat coated retriever. But she is gold. She is 5 years old and absolutely perfect. I love her so much.
But she has got an eye infection and we are having to take her to the vets.
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