For Christmas my Nan and Grandad came over, about 7 on Christmas Eve, and stayed the night. So we played Cards that evening...Boring!! And then about 11 I went to bed. Woke up at 7ish the next morning and opened our presents in the main bedroom, where my Nan and Grandad had slept. I got loads of money. £305 in total I do believe!!! Most of which will be going towards my driving lessons. Plenty of books. So many I've lost track actually. 

Nice necklace, new top, nail polish, a new rucksack. Which I really needed seeing as I have been using Mum's one to carry all my 6th form stuff. Gloves!! I was so jealous of Helena's ones that she got me some of my own!! 3 new CD's!! All of which I really wanted. 

Helena turned up 9PM Christmas Day and stayed, along with my Nan and Grandad through Boxing Day, and has only just left. Though Nan and Grandad left last night about 8:30PM, just before me and Helena watched Miranda and Mrs Brown's Boys. Both of which were so funny. 

Do tell me about your Christmas. 

I don't dream about my Dad often. In fact really rarely. But yesterday me and Mum were talking about him, and crying because there is a chance that we may have to move in the future because she won't be able to run our house. And yea, we both got upset. 

Then last night I dreamt of him. 

I was all alone in the house and he came in. Up to my room, and pushed me onto my bed, leaned over me and told me that I was wrong. He was shouting in my face, and screaming about how I was useless, and stupid. I pushed him off me and told him to get out of our house, my heart was beating really fast and I was scared shift. He then ran across the landing and into my brothers room, where he went through his closet, taking things that he wanted to remind him of Tim. I hit him and took the clothes off of him. Dad then pushed me out of his way, calling me stupid and worthless. I then grabbed my phone and called the police, as Dad left through the front door. All the time screaming at me. I then shouted at the top of my voice that he "sexually and mentally abused me" and had no right to come back to our home. The police said that they would be on the way. Dad then hit me for that comment saying that it was all lies, and that I had no right to be saying that. Because the police station is less than 5 minutes from ours they soon arrived, just as Dad was driving his car towards me, he trapped me up against our garage door, and crushed my legs. The police pulled him out of the car, and cuffed him, an ambulance was called for me. I was in shock and fainted as they removed me from behind the car. I was carried inside and placed down on the sofa. A police man named James stayed with me, while my family was called. At that point my Mum returned after walking Sandy and was informed of what had happened to me. She cried and gave me a massive hug, but I was barely with it. 

A few moments later, just after the ambulance arrived I woke up. 

It was one of the scariest dreams I have ever had, and one I don't want to suffer through again. 

Me and Mum saw the film the other week. Its Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful. I nearly cried, several times. I love it. All of it. And the ending was perfect. I nearly cried there as well. 

And so I read the book. Which I finished yesterday. It was equally beautiful. And made me nearly cry almost as much. And in fact in a couple of places I did cry. 

Its about this little girl Lily, who has grown up thinking that she accidently killed her mother, when she was just four years old. Now, 14, she wishes for forgiveness and a Mother's love. Her only friend is a black servant Rosaleen. 

Racial tension explodes that summer and Rosaleen is arrested and beaten. Lily breaks her out and the two of them run away together. Finding sanctuary in the home of three sisters; May, June and August. Lily starts on a journey uncovering the mystery of her mother. 

My favourite character is August. She is...well lets just say is she was real I would love to be her daughter. I would give anything for that. In the film she is play by Queen Latifah, one of my favourite actresses. August is everything that I think a mother should be. Kind. Understanding. Forgiving. Sympathetic. Caring. Loving. Beautiful. 

As I was reading a bit in the book about Lily hugging August and pouring all her sorrow over her, well, it made me want my own August. A motherly figure to love. Then I stopped and thought, well I do, don't I? I have Sara. She is my mother. She is the one I run to. I tell her everything. She chooses to love me. She doesn't have to. She chooses to. For all my faults. She believes in me. She loves me. Like August loves Lily. 

I love Sara so much. So much that sometimes it actually hurts. 

Of course, I have my own Mother. Not like Lily., But a surrogate mother can say more than an actual mother sometimes. A mother has to love their child do they? Someone who chooses to love you, choose to be your Other Mother. They can show you a kind of love that, in a way, can mean more. 

Yea, I do love my Mum, I love her more than words can say. I'd rather die than see her hurt again. But Sara brought me back to life. Because she choose to love me. 

Whether she will ever read this I don't know...I did tell her about this blog today. But who knows which posts she will read, and which she won't. I don't mind her reading this. I mean she went through it all with me, and she has even read my diary, so you can't really get anymore personal than that. Sometimes I suspect she knows me better than I know myself. 

Don't get me wrong though, there are certain things I would never dream of telling her, partly because I am ashamed of them, partly because she has this view of me as being quite good and well, innocent I guess. Yet I have done some pretty bad stuff in my time. What teenage girl hasn't. 

Anyway, I am sidetracking. What was I going to say? 

Sara is an important part of my life. She means a lot to me, and I would trust her with my life. With her, I know that she will never judge me, never run away, never share my secrets. I know that she will always be my surrogate mother. Always care. And I also know that she will never know just how much she means to me. She in a way, brought me back to life. She gave me what no one else could when I was feeling at my worst. She gave me belief, not only in myself, but also in the world around me. She gave me the ability to care once again, about myself, and others. She helped me to trust. To trust her. To trust me. To trust my family. 

It is because of her that at the end of hard days that I sit on my bed, in the dark, look out of my window and pray to God. Not because I really believe in Him. I am agnostic. But because I believe in her. And she believes in Him. And so I pray. 

She always saw the best in me. And me in her. I look up to her. She is my Angel. 

so pleased, today i dont have to go into school untill 1:30, which means I have the whole morning to do exactly what i like. so i took a really long bath, then spent ages doing my make up, and am now taking pictures for my facebook profile! then i will walk my dog, and get some lunch before heading in for my geography lesson! only a hour of school in total...life is brilliant

Yesterday was a bad day, in many ways. 

Firstly, I had to go into the sixth form for the morning, and that was hell from beginning to end. 

I went to the Admin desk, and had to pick up a form to apply to the Bursery for this year, I certainly hope I get it, because I do need the money. Anyway the Head of the new Year 12, last years Head of Year 13, asked to speak to me, and the PA for the Director said that there were only 2 subjects on my timetable; History and Geography A2. That confused me, because I said last year that I would be taking AS Sociology. The PA said she would put it on the timetable, providing it didn't clash. That worried me; I had made sure in May that it wouldn't. 

Then I had to speak to Mr H, because I was only doing 3 subjects and wouldn't be leaving at the end of the year with 3 A level equivalents. So I told him that I was planning to do A2 Sociology privately. This he didn't like, saying it wasn't correct, because it was showing favoritism, and a load of other crap. 

Well, anyway, I left telling the Director that I would be doing it, no matter what he said. Though I got so angry I could hit the guy. He was being really horrid, and telling me how he didn't think...bla bla bla...well what did it matter what he thought, it is up to me and my teacher right? 

So, I came home, and I was mad enough to spit feathers. I told my Mum, Nan and Grandad, and they were also angry about the whole thing, because I had been planning to do this since February, I know what I am doing. I am prepared for the extra work, and stress and everything, and I think that I can cope. 

My cousin rung up later, and I was speaking to her about the whole thing. Then I spoke to her Mum, because I have been having family problems, you see my Mum has got this boyfriend, which I was okay with, when he was treating her right. But he isn't any longer, and she is confused, and angry, and hurt, and simply doesn't know what to do. And I don't know what to say, because as a daughter I can see why she keeps holding out and hoping that things will get better, Because Dick hurt her, and Ric was so lovely to begin with, taking her out and buying her flowers, but now, she barely features in his life. Yet she won't let him go, but nor will she phone him, or ask him out. 

And so as a friend, I just want her to let go now, because I don't want him to hurt her anymore than he has already. 

Anyway my cousin's Mum was on the phone to me for nearly half an hour, and she told me that I just need to talk to Mum, and tell her how I feel. That my Mum will be stronger because of it all, that she has got her life back now, and that he has helped her. But mainly she just helped me stop worrying about my Mum. Because like she said, I have to be an adult now, and because my Mum talks to me about these things and not others it means that it is harder for me. And she is right. Because Coyle is never there for her, and she won't talk to Nan and Grandad, doesn't worry about them, and though she does talk to her friends, she doesn't tell them everything like she does me. 

Anyway, at the end of the day it got too much for me, and I just cried myself to sleep, angry at God for not letting happiness into our family...