Whether she will ever read this I don't know...I did tell her about this blog today. But who knows which posts she will read, and which she won't. I don't mind her reading this. I mean she went through it all with me, and she has even read my diary, so you can't really get anymore personal than that. Sometimes I suspect she knows me better than I know myself. 

Don't get me wrong though, there are certain things I would never dream of telling her, partly because I am ashamed of them, partly because she has this view of me as being quite good and well, innocent I guess. Yet I have done some pretty bad stuff in my time. What teenage girl hasn't. 

Anyway, I am sidetracking. What was I going to say? 

Sara is an important part of my life. She means a lot to me, and I would trust her with my life. With her, I know that she will never judge me, never run away, never share my secrets. I know that she will always be my surrogate mother. Always care. And I also know that she will never know just how much she means to me. She in a way, brought me back to life. She gave me what no one else could when I was feeling at my worst. She gave me belief, not only in myself, but also in the world around me. She gave me the ability to care once again, about myself, and others. She helped me to trust. To trust her. To trust me. To trust my family. 

It is because of her that at the end of hard days that I sit on my bed, in the dark, look out of my window and pray to God. Not because I really believe in Him. I am agnostic. But because I believe in her. And she believes in Him. And so I pray. 

She always saw the best in me. And me in her. I look up to her. She is my Angel. 

Yesterday was a bad day, in many ways. 

Firstly, I had to go into the sixth form for the morning, and that was hell from beginning to end. 

I went to the Admin desk, and had to pick up a form to apply to the Bursery for this year, I certainly hope I get it, because I do need the money. Anyway the Head of the new Year 12, last years Head of Year 13, asked to speak to me, and the PA for the Director said that there were only 2 subjects on my timetable; History and Geography A2. That confused me, because I said last year that I would be taking AS Sociology. The PA said she would put it on the timetable, providing it didn't clash. That worried me; I had made sure in May that it wouldn't. 

Then I had to speak to Mr H, because I was only doing 3 subjects and wouldn't be leaving at the end of the year with 3 A level equivalents. So I told him that I was planning to do A2 Sociology privately. This he didn't like, saying it wasn't correct, because it was showing favoritism, and a load of other crap. 

Well, anyway, I left telling the Director that I would be doing it, no matter what he said. Though I got so angry I could hit the guy. He was being really horrid, and telling me how he didn't think...bla bla bla...well what did it matter what he thought, it is up to me and my teacher right? 

So, I came home, and I was mad enough to spit feathers. I told my Mum, Nan and Grandad, and they were also angry about the whole thing, because I had been planning to do this since February, I know what I am doing. I am prepared for the extra work, and stress and everything, and I think that I can cope. 

My cousin rung up later, and I was speaking to her about the whole thing. Then I spoke to her Mum, because I have been having family problems, you see my Mum has got this boyfriend, which I was okay with, when he was treating her right. But he isn't any longer, and she is confused, and angry, and hurt, and simply doesn't know what to do. And I don't know what to say, because as a daughter I can see why she keeps holding out and hoping that things will get better, Because Dick hurt her, and Ric was so lovely to begin with, taking her out and buying her flowers, but now, she barely features in his life. Yet she won't let him go, but nor will she phone him, or ask him out. 

And so as a friend, I just want her to let go now, because I don't want him to hurt her anymore than he has already. 

Anyway my cousin's Mum was on the phone to me for nearly half an hour, and she told me that I just need to talk to Mum, and tell her how I feel. That my Mum will be stronger because of it all, that she has got her life back now, and that he has helped her. But mainly she just helped me stop worrying about my Mum. Because like she said, I have to be an adult now, and because my Mum talks to me about these things and not others it means that it is harder for me. And she is right. Because Coyle is never there for her, and she won't talk to Nan and Grandad, doesn't worry about them, and though she does talk to her friends, she doesn't tell them everything like she does me. 

Anyway, at the end of the day it got too much for me, and I just cried myself to sleep, angry at God for not letting happiness into our family...