I'm Not Good Enough

I always felt like I was never smart enough. Never pretty enough. Just generally not good enough. It's a feeling that has stayed with me my whole life. 

Even when I got my GCSE results couple of years ago, I thought to myself I bet I could have done better if this year hadn't happened the way it did. 
Then I thought "my brother will do better. And my cousin" 

There are so many things that have contributed to me feeling this way about myself but by far the biggest one is my father. 

There were many times over the first few months after I disclosed that I thought to myself "I must be an awful person if my own father could do this to me". I really thought it was own fault. That people hated me. That no one would care if tomorrow I died. I thought if I did die no one would miss me. 

Sometimes I still feel like that, but I no I shouldn't, I know now that people do care. 

My father did make me hide in myself. He did make me feel like shit. I thought I was worth nothing. I thought I was a failure. I thought I would never succeed. I thought I was no one. I hated myself. And I lived in fear.

My biggest fear will always be failure. I will always be scared of it. Nothing anyone can do will change that but I understand that that is part of who I am. 

I still feel like I am not good enough and I know it will take a lot longer to change that feeling.