So this I wrote about six months or so after I disclosed, when I was on a really low point...and I thought I should post it because it is so full of emotion. When I wrote it I cried, and did the first dozen or so time I read it afterwards. Now I don't. I have moved on...in a way.
I woke in fear,
I slept in fear,
In fear of you
And what you could do to me,
You scared me,
Yet I had no choice but to love you,
And there was nothing
That I could do
To stop the things you did,
The way you made me feel
Sacred me for life,
May I ask way did you
Do this to me?
I never though I was
Good enough
You really hurt me
And yet you still
Never stopped even
When I cried out no
Is this normal?
Is this what I deserve?
What is so wrong with me
That I can't cope with this?
I never felt anything but fear
I couldn't help but imagine
A better life
One without you
But everywhere I turned
There you were
I couldn't escape
I wasn't free
I had no idea who I was
And never ever will
Do you know my opinion of me??
Do you??
(I am not going to write the actual next line...not ready for that yet)
And it is because of you
And what you did that
I feel this way
I can't live like this much longer
Let me go I say
But you still hang on
And I get more alone
Thinking everyday that I must be
A horrible person for you
To treat me the way you did
The nights were the worst
When there was no where to go
And the fear crept up
Emotion was a thing I never knew
You ruled my life
I sometimes wonder what if
But I can't stand where my thoughts go
Because of you I can't trust
I can't feel anything but hurt
And it is so deep inside I don't
Know how to heal it
You seemed to play so many
Mind games with me
And I couldn't tell you when
You started this
How young was I when you started?
Was I 9, 8 or even 7?
Or did you start younger?
6 maybe? 5? Please say no
I don't want to go lower
I'm too scared
Don't you see how wrong that is?
Can't you see what you have done?
Just how much you have killed me?
Sometimes I wanted to die
I wanted to hurt me
Just so I can feel something real
Something that isn't caused by you
Sometimes I want an emotion
An emotion that I understand
What did I do to cause you
To do this to me?
Is this my fault?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why am I sorry?
Why can't I cope?
Just why am I this way?
Will you let me go now?
I need something to live for
I need you gone
But everywhere I turn there you are
Staring me in the face
Refusing to let me go
And just when I think the wound
Is healed you open it again
And the hurt pours back in
I thought I had you locked away
In a box, at the back of my mind
I was never going to let you out
The key was thrown away
But of its own accord the fear
Returns and slowly so do you
Until I just can't cope
So here I am in need of a hug
And someone to tell me it will be okay
But really want I need now is
A different life
Please let me go Daddy
I just can't cope
I woke in fear,
I slept in fear,
In fear of you
And what you could do to me,
You scared me,
Yet I had no choice but to love you,
And there was nothing
That I could do
To stop the things you did,
The way you made me feel
Sacred me for life,
May I ask way did you
Do this to me?
I never though I was
Good enough
You really hurt me
And yet you still
Never stopped even
When I cried out no
Is this normal?
Is this what I deserve?
What is so wrong with me
That I can't cope with this?
I never felt anything but fear
I couldn't help but imagine
A better life
One without you
But everywhere I turned
There you were
I couldn't escape
I wasn't free
I had no idea who I was
And never ever will
Do you know my opinion of me??
Do you??
(I am not going to write the actual next line...not ready for that yet)
And it is because of you
And what you did that
I feel this way
I can't live like this much longer
Let me go I say
But you still hang on
And I get more alone
Thinking everyday that I must be
A horrible person for you
To treat me the way you did
The nights were the worst
When there was no where to go
And the fear crept up
Emotion was a thing I never knew
You ruled my life
I sometimes wonder what if
But I can't stand where my thoughts go
Because of you I can't trust
I can't feel anything but hurt
And it is so deep inside I don't
Know how to heal it
You seemed to play so many
Mind games with me
And I couldn't tell you when
You started this
How young was I when you started?
Was I 9, 8 or even 7?
Or did you start younger?
6 maybe? 5? Please say no
I don't want to go lower
I'm too scared
Don't you see how wrong that is?
Can't you see what you have done?
Just how much you have killed me?
Sometimes I wanted to die
I wanted to hurt me
Just so I can feel something real
Something that isn't caused by you
Sometimes I want an emotion
An emotion that I understand
What did I do to cause you
To do this to me?
Is this my fault?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why am I sorry?
Why can't I cope?
Just why am I this way?
Will you let me go now?
I need something to live for
I need you gone
But everywhere I turn there you are
Staring me in the face
Refusing to let me go
And just when I think the wound
Is healed you open it again
And the hurt pours back in
I thought I had you locked away
In a box, at the back of my mind
I was never going to let you out
The key was thrown away
But of its own accord the fear
Returns and slowly so do you
Until I just can't cope
So here I am in need of a hug
And someone to tell me it will be okay
But really want I need now is
A different life
Please let me go Daddy
I just can't cope
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